Expressing who I am has always been difficult for me. I knew I was different and that my life was not like other people I grew up with. I was older when I was younger. I was shy, but extroverted. I was private, yet very public.
Age and a lot of mental health healing pulled me out of the darkness of my childhood. I learned how to tell the critic within to take a long vacation. I have realized that my life is unique and that there is no one else who has lived this life before. I have become aware that my purpose is to celebrate this difference of who I am. I can see that this is also the purpose of every human life. To be oneself. To not be homogenized by the crowd.
My motto for the past few years… No More Hiding. What am I waiting for?
My mother and I were not close but when she dropped her body in 2010 my world crumbled. I stopped meditating for fear that she was listening in on my thoughts. While she was so alive in my mind’s eye I could not really understand where she had gone physically. As I scattered her ashes, I could feel the small bone fragments and knew that this was not her but that it was some sort of physical residue. Her death hit me hard. I wasn’t prepared for it. I noticed that I had moved into a new category, that of motherless. My friends who had lost their mothers held my hand, knowing exactly what I was going through. I didn’t know how I would get through the days, I really didn’t.
I began searching within. I began asking deeper questions. My fear was that I, too, would disappear one day. I questioned what life was about and why the need for a human experience. I began to write my own music for the first time in my life. Previously I had always written with other musicians but I knew I wanted to allow myself to take that creative boat ride down the river, alone. I pushed myself to break my own boundaries to take the trip and to not go back upstream to the same safe lines of a verse or chorus.
I wrote this music out of need to have a place to express what I was experiencing. I wrote this music to remind myself how to continue walking through the ups and downs of life. I wrote this music for memories in my old age as every song is a marker for some event that happen to me, be it private or public.
I am currently in the studio mixing this CD. I am also working on my next CD which will be more meditative music in surround sound.